WHAT IS THIS WEBSITE?
⚠️ Trigger Warning: Suicide
This website contains discussions that relate to depression and suicide, which some readers may find distressing. It is important to counter stigma and have these conversations. It is also important to tell our truths—because suicide is often a marker of the victim's silence. No suicide methods are described herein. If you are struggling, you are not alone. Support is available: Talk Suicide Canada (24/7): Call or text 988. Kids Help Phone (24/7): Call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868. If you are outside Canada, please look up crisis hotlines in your country.
What is this website? What is it not? A Disclaimer.
This was going to be a place where my late fiancé and I had planned to put forward our shared vision, ongoing work, and plans for future research. It was to be our new lab page next year. Now it will serve as a private observatory of sorrow, memory, endurance, and defeat.
It is written entirely from my own memories, feelings, and perspectives. Memoirs are, by their nature, subjective. All opinions are my own, I am the sole author, and take full responsibility for every word. There will be no updates once I am done talking and nobody is invited to talk back—all comments are disabled.The Turin Horse: The Necessity of Confronting Existential Distress
In 1889, German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was walking in the streets of Turin (Italy) when he saw a carriage driver mercilessly beating his horse. Overcome with horror and despair, Nietzsche threw his arms around the beast, weeping inconsolably. It is said that the incident caused Nietzsche to descend into a lifelong madness from which he never recovered.
The Turin Horse is more than that single horse—it is a symbol of those who are trapped in the bleakness and treachery of this oppressive world. My fiancé and I were both beaten in different ways by the societal and institutional cultures within which we lived, loved, and lost.In this desolate grieving chamber, we stand together as two beaten horses—bearing the blows of the universe until we could bear them no more: he succumbed to his and I still endure them for now. These pages serve to document the story of our shared life, love, and loneliness—told exactly as I perceive it.
The opening scene of Hungarian filmmaker Béla Tarr's film The Turin Horse (2011).We watched this film together on the horribly expensive TV that I bought for our shared apartment.