FRIENDS & FAMILY

 

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Aidan told me countless lovely stories about many of you over the last ten years. Probably about all of you at some point or another, but then again, he had so many friends and family members that I could barely keep track! Still, I do recognize several by name—and hopefully—have assigned the correct storylines to the correct names in my head. He was very eager for us to finally meet each other after our engagement—the only small (but mighty) piece of joy we had and wanted to celebrate with loved ones. We were waiting for some storms to ease a little before doing that. Even though we didn’t get to meet, I feel as if I know you (some/many of you). Accordingly, I speak to those whom he hoped I would someday consider my own.

As a case example for social commentary, I respond below to this horrific message I received (on his birthday, of all days) from a friend who Aidan had told me about and whom I recognized right away. Essentially, they told me not to use his last name because it will hurt others—what unimaginable gall to tell bereaved partner that. I will not include the message itself out of respect for the sender's privacy and they will remain unnamed.  

Time & Closeness: There is no need to validate your legitimacy as a friend by citing how long your friendship has been or whether you met him before/after other people did. Particularly not if you list the years of our relationship as if it yours were to be a comparator. Your claim of closeness does not compare to that of an intimate partner’s, and closeness is not measured in time.

Struggle: There is no need to state your own struggle when you proceed to patronize, dismiss, and scale down my struggle (“feel bad for you” and “hope you are ok”). I suggest you show respect to the woman whose struggle far exceeds your own.

Knowledge: Do not presume to tell an intimate partner what their mate would or would not like. Your knowledge of someone never matches thgt of an intimate partner’s. For years, I have held that man through his victories and failures, cried with him, laughed with him, fed him, washed him, cared for him through sickness, and planned life with him. I was with him every day in his most private moments. You were not. Do not use sentences that begin with “if you know Aidan, he would not like...”. That sounds too ridiculous to even call it insulting.

Guilt-tripping: Do not make use of his family members to guilt and shame me into silencing my own grief and love for my fiancé. That is an incredible low. I do not need to prove my care for his family to anyone other than him. He has spent years telling me about them and how he longs for me to know them. That would have been soon, and in fact, bearing the name he asked me to bear—his name by which he has addressed me. In whispers. In tears. In teasing. In joy. In appeal. In honour. In gift. Mind your place.

Derogatory & Diminishing Language: Do not use words like “affair” to mischaracterize a relationship with an intimate partner unless it is your own relationship. You do not need to have known she was his fiancée to show this basic amount of courtesy. In your use, the word implies that the relationship is temporary, unserious, vulgar, and a mistake. You have no idea what a relationship is or isn't unless it is your own. 

Societal & Individual Participation in Misogyny: Do not ask a woman to shut up, sit down, hide, and conceal her truths, her grief, and her claim over who she loves and how she wishes to name and identify herself. Do not make a woman think that her emotions, experiences, needs, and rights are less valid and less valuable than that of anyone else's. The idea that she should cover up her heart or mind, lest it be indecent or unsanitary—let alone harmful for others—is misogynistic and oppressive. Emotionally intimidating and invalidating her when she is in bereavement is particularly offensive. 

I speak about this message simply as an example that captures the social character and tone of whatever is said and unsaid, whether it reaches me or does not. It reveals the underlying sentiments and principles that drive your silence as well as your speech. And it confirms why we were afraid to reach out for help from our near and dear ones. Even when we were desperate for someone to support us without judgment, we knew that we would not be received with compassion. 

Reassess how far we have fallen as a society and as individuals if we cannot draw the line at shaming a bereaved woman for her expression of love and grief over her dead fiancé. I am sure that that much can be expected even as a matter of human decency towards a stranger, without requiring reasons like friendship and family. But it appears not to be the case.

Sometimes, relationships do not work out and people find new partners to spend their lives with. Who someone decides to marry or separate from is a personal decision affected by many factors. It is nobody else's business how exactly that relationship emerged, what its complexities were, how many times they fought, about what they fought, and whether it was meritorious enough. These are not your decisions to make—particularly not based on non-consensually obtained private correspondence between intimate partners. Yet, messages have been sent to me to suggest that people are feeling hostile towards me, angry with us, have not yet forgiven us, and therefore, I should limit my own free movement and free expression. Since I do not require permission from anyone, I also do not require forgiveness. I accept no blame for anyone's decision to keep or break the promises they had made to somebody else. 

For those who participated in consuming personal communication between my partner and me—you should be ashamed of yourselves. Honour and integrity would demand that you decline to violate someone's privacy and dignity, at least when you realize that vulnerable or traumatic content is involved. Well, I would have declined right away. But I imagine that honour and integrity—just like loyalty to protect a partner's dignity from other public view—is too unfashionable a value today. 

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